There are so many things that have made me so fucking frustrated the past couple of days.
1. On Wednesday, I came out to my best friend. I told her the answers to everything that she'd been asking me for the past couple of months. I showed her my scars, I told her the real reason it started. I told her that I'm bi. She told me that she was going to forget that conversation ever happening because she doesn't like girls who are gay. To avoid any problems, she was going to act like I hadn't told her, and that I'm actually straight, because she wishes I hadn't told her. She's been my best friend for almost 9 years, this hurts me a lot more than any fight we have ever gotten in, ever.
2. I really like this guy from my work, his name is Gerald. I seem to be falling for him more and more cause of the stupid scenarios I play in my head. Like, he sings, he plays multiple instruments, INCLUDING TRUMPET <3, and he sings. It is literally perfection. Oh, did I mention he's beautiful? Yeah, not fair. One of the scenarios I keep playing in my head is that we'd do video covers of songs like You're It by Gabe Bondoc or We'll Be A Dream by We The Kings & Demi Lovato. Imagine how cute that'd be? We could play our instruments together, and it'd be perfect. FUCK YOU MIND, STOP MAKING ME FALL FOR SOMEONE WHO WILL PROBABLY NEVER LIKE ME, EVER. I PROBABLY PISS HIM THE FUCK OFF. GOD. STUPID FEELINGS. They make me mad.
3. I keep getting those urges again. Why? I have no fucking clue. It's been 47 days since I last cut. I have attempted, but I couldn't find any sharp objects, so I settled for a red pen. Long story short, red pen ran out. Legs and arms covered. It's fucking summer. I wanna wear pretty sundresses and tank tops and short shorts. Not fucking jeans and sweaters 24/7 to hide my cuts. I don't want this. Anxiety attacks are starting again, and it doesn't help with my urges. I can't deal anymore.
4. I can't fucking sleep cause of all my anxiety, and frustration. The fact that I can't sleep makes me more frustrated and pissed off and in a shitty mood. I fucking hate this. This is stupid. I mean, what else could I be doing at 2:27 AM other than sleeping? Oh, you know, the usual, tumblr. Except when tumblr's being a fucking asshole and not loading. Fuck. I need my quiet place project.
I need to relax, go fucking tanning or some shit. I need to calm the fuck down. GOD. Where's a sharp object when I need one?
OH YAY. I just saw Umberto's facebook profile on my news feed, fuck another thing to be stressed about. I haven't talked to him in like a month. nbd or anything.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
I'm done, I swear to fucking god, I'm done.
On the bright side, Italy won, and I got someone to switch shifts with me for monday :$
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